Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
She: I like Cats
He:
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on