Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Bros before Ohioes
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.