PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …