If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
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My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Sniffing the broccoli
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds