Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison