Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo