Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
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Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.