Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
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Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
is this a threat
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Nice try Hitler
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
ready to be harvested
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.