Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.