Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
that de-escalated quickly
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon