@patnspankme

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

You Might Also Like

@woodmuffin

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

@n0tblonde

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

@MissHavisham

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

@The_Sculptress

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

@TheTweetOfGod

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

@skullpuppy11

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

@Birdhumms

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

@Staggfilms

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

@FeverFlave

[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

@juneohara65

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.