Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that