Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
You Might Also Like
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
🤔😂😂
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.