@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

You Might Also Like

@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

@UnFitz

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

@DairylandDon

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

@Smooheed

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

@LOUD_Thoughts_

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

@704919828

Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.