Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
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My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.