Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?