@SaraMansford

Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.

@Tmoney68

Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

@ArfMeasures

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

@FredTaming

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

@BackrowSeats

Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@heyitsJudeD

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

@shkeeber

Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

@AndyAsAdjective

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh