@SaraMansford

Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.

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@Iwriteforcats

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

@MattTheBrand

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

@SunshineJarboly

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

@jwomackou

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

@LoveNLunchmeat

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

@Camel_Crushin

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.