I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
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My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.
Falling in love on Twitter.
There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The CIA tried using cats as spies in the 1960s.
After five years and over $20 million spent training these spy cats, they were unsuccessful.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.