Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
G: Fire’s running low.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.