Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.
Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
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Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh