@SaraMansford

Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.

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@TheBoydP

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@nvd197

My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

@ka_unplugged

There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own

@KeetPotato

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@RiotGrlErin

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

@UberFacts

The CIA tried using cats as spies in the 1960s.

After five years and over $20 million spent training these spy cats, they were unsuccessful.

@Mom_Overboard

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

@ghostkrogh

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.