Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

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cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?


I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull


[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death


Vin Diesel is Latin for “the guy we get when The Rock won’t do it”


I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill


Sorry about your forehead…

…I thought that was clearly a high five moment.


You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That’s basically my only plan in life.


Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.


I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?