Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
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Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?