“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
You Might Also Like
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
it’s finally my moment to shine
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL