Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
[Man on Ledge]
Man: *shouting* I’m going to jump!
Me: *grabbing megaphone* DON’T LAND ON THE TACO TRUCK, I’VE ALREADY PAID FOR MY ORDER!
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*
August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]