I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.
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My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
*Kanye trips and falls* SUCH A GENIUS! WHAT A POETIC DEMONSTRATION OF HOW HIS ANCESTORS FELL TO SLAVERY AND ROSE AGAIN *jaden smith cries*
Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”
*silently writes him out of my will*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
putting “lying on resumes” under the skills section of my resume to see if anyone reads this shit
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise