@Wine_Honey1

Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.

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@Cheeseboy22

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

@Cherbearxo

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

@MikalBershawn

*Kanye trips and falls* SUCH A GENIUS! WHAT A POETIC DEMONSTRATION OF HOW HIS ANCESTORS FELL TO SLAVERY AND ROSE AGAIN *jaden smith cries*

@pattioshankable

Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!

@brianbatescomic

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

@thebeckyard

“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*

@Book_Krazy

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

@InternetHippo

putting “lying on resumes” under the skills section of my resume to see if anyone reads this shit

@Home_Halfway

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise