ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
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[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.