Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
he looks great for his age
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.