Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
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in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Seek kebab; not attention
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Haha! 😂