Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet
British websites use biscuits.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering ‘what did I say the last time you asked?’ is unwise, apparently.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
What’s worse worse than an $18 toy that breaks immediately after you buy it? An $18 toy that still lights up and makes noise after 5 years of continuous use.
Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!