Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Personal question. #JustSaying
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Europe. Made in Germany.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.