Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.


“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet


I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween


When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”


When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering ‘what did I say the last time you asked?’ is unwise, apparently.


Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear


Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off


Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes


What’s worse worse than an $18 toy that breaks immediately after you buy it? An $18 toy that still lights up and makes noise after 5 years of continuous use.


Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!