@GreenScoundrel

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

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@Scott_A_Gilmore

OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

@smithsara79

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

@PetrickSara

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

@DontFollowDave

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

@fro_vo

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

@PinkCamoTO

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

@DevilryFun

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

@DrakeGatsby

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

@GinAndJif

I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.