@GreenScoundrel

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

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@BeTheCookie

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

@KeetPotato

“i said make him fetch”
yeah?
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet

@treydayway

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

@Amburglar_

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

@FussySaffa

When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering ‘what did I say the last time you asked?’ is unwise, apparently.

@ArfMeasures

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@lmegordon

What’s worse worse than an $18 toy that breaks immediately after you buy it? An $18 toy that still lights up and makes noise after 5 years of continuous use.

@ThaJawn

Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!