Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

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OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.


Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.


[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!


I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.


Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.


Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen


If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.


Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.


Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October


I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.