Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

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inventor of acupuncture playing with a voodoo doll: ? ???? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ??????


Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt.

Well played.


Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.


It’s hard to feel dangerous when you’ve had the hiccups for 45 minutes.


Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.




Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep