Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Life hack
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I found your tweet-up…
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]