@ThaJawn

Pro Tip

Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry

Try it

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@treydayway

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

@ella__fraser

Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

@thenoahkinsey

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

@fro_vo

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

@josePhDhoran

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

@bridger_w

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

@AmishPornStar1

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

@SocialExtortion

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background