Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Meanwhile in Portland…
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.