Pro Tip

Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry

Try it

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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.


Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success


Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁


Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)


MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too


Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around


If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn


Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!


I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background