“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can’t make it
FRIEND: you’re holding a VCR warranty brochure
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”
Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.
hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair
Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.
Not all heroes wear crepes.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends