@panmidwest

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

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@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

@ArfMeasures

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

@SnarkyMommy78

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

@ParanormalQueer

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

@AntozWolf

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

@fro_vo

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

@TheBoydP

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@daemonic3

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans