Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00