@elwaytotheend: Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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@TimJohnish: I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
@Fred_Delicious: "tell me doc, is it bad news?" "you've got piles" ... "piles of health that is! LOL" ... "except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those"
@VisionBored1: Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad? Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there? Therapist: No.