Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
crazy
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!