@TheBoydP

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

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@bornmiserable

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

@DaddyJew

Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*

@Sarcasmo718

Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@JohnLyonTweets

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

@McGunnersite

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

@ColIegeStudent

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

@ClichedOut

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

@drayzze

Don’t forget: It’s never too late to start making really important life decisions based on your horoscope!