Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
can I use a minion as a tampon
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
three things we don’t talk about
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile