if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
Don’t forget: It’s never too late to start making really important life decisions based on your horoscope!