Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

Never be a pizza!