@prufrockluvsong

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

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@BarkyBoogz

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

@TheHyyyype

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

@murrman5

[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn’t here
*wife walks in with police officer*
“did you take a knife to a job interview”

@jocylan

If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder

@Iwriteforcats

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

@Reverend_Scott

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

@OneFunnyMummy

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@TheToddWilliams

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot