Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”


angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun


[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn’t here
*wife walks in with police officer*
“did you take a knife to a job interview”


If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder


Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.



Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”


Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”


Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.


Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.


[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot