PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
You Might Also Like
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.