PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.


Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper


what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.


When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.


The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.


Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”


[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?