Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My kitchen overserved me.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.