@Contwixt

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

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@longwall26

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

@_SetTheHook_

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

@MelissaJoy33

I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.

Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.

~White people.

@bobvulfov

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

@_davidlucas_

Me: How are you?

Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*

@truegritrumble

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

@crow_death

I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.

@stewnami

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.