Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

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People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.


Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.


I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.

Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.

~White people.


[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo


Me: How are you?

Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*


BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?


I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.


My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.