@fillthevacuum

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

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@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@Shanehasabeard

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

@audipenny

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

@TheAndrewNadeau

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

@krisv_723

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

@Ideal_Victoria

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?