Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
What about second breakfast?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*