Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Rambo Rambow
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
When he asks for feet pics
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.