I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Very good! 👍😂
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
this could fix me
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.