@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

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@notacroc

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

@huntigula

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

@bea_ker

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

@SortaBad

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

@duplicitron

What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

@alexlumaga

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first