At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.
Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.