Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
‘There’s lots of other fish in the sea.’
Me, burning dinner.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first