@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

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@juliussharpe

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.

@MomofTeen

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

@rolldiggity

1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.

@ANNIEwayyyy

Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.

@TheTonyHowell

Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.

@_steamy_mac

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

@hipchkk

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

@robfee

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.