Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
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I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
do what now??
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Put the is in disheveled
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa