Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me trying to “trust the process”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what