Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist