@TheBeerGuy73

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

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@astutenewf

When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

@vineyille

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

@underchilde

You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.

@batkaren

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

@inmyimage007

I wonder if my kids know they can ask me a question when I’m NOT in the bathroom?

@JimmerThatisAll

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

@MentalAbortions

Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?

@hipkingo

*on a date pointing to a pothole*

I made that with my fist. I hate roads

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@pilau

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but