When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I wonder if my kids know they can ask me a question when I’m NOT in the bathroom?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?
*on a date pointing to a pothole*
I made that with my fist. I hate roads
If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but