Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
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Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”