Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
he was correct
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
#Caturday
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.