Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD