Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.