Good morning
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Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir