Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
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$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]