Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone’s bicycle.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine
(Flintstones theme song)
they’re a teenage mutant family
they’re about to save new york city
*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice