@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

You Might Also Like

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@TragicAllyHere

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

@warhorse76

If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone’s bicycle.

@badbanana

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

@hiitsmolly

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

@murrman5

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

@itcudvbeenworse

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

@pleatedjeans

[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine

@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@TheHyyyype

[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice