Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot