Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
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Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
So we got a goldfish…
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
mom gave me mine for free
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Best seat on the street 😍