Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
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Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
no such thing as a dumb question
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer