Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
2022 will be better than 2021